what a great idea for a community. anyway, ppl are always telling me i should write a book, so i am. but movies are good too.
The First Time I Ever Paid A Hooker
...was with a fake 20. my old roommate, yellowfox, may be surprised to learn that i used one of the two fake 20's he gave me for this purpose, since i told him i had gotten rid of them at crossroads bookstore. which wasn't actually a lie. ONE of them. but one i had plans for all along.
first of all, before you condemn me for my lack of morals, my dangerous and irresponsible behavior, and my pandering to the sex industry, you had better do so with the whole picture in mind.
for the first year-plus-change that i was in houston i was an escort (read: callgirl/hooker/whore) to supplement my nonexistent income after the collapse of my invalid bigamist marriage. so, bidding a half-arsed farewell to my mother and a then 6month old risa, i jumped the greyhound to houston with only what i could carry. i had hoped to be nearer the one person in town there i knew (bbdache), who unfortunately, had no room to take me in. the very first places i stayed were with internet tricks.
you may *shudder* now.
also. let me explain that escorting is both easy money and the hardest job you'll EVER have. unless you are a horny sex freak who can't get enough of the act (which i mos def am not). so in general i feel a certain respect for and solidarity with sex workers that most people do not.
but i had never paid for it myself.
well why not? oh yeah, im poor. like im about to throw down good money for something that i myself should get paid for? sheeyit.
enter the fake 20, and montrose's infamous crackwhore strolls. now ive never been a crackhead or a crackwhore, but ive heard that crack is pretty cheap, and therefore, its whores would be too. at night its dead obvious who is who. the female hookers tend to stroll further up westheimer (commonwealth bus stop to the mausoleum bus stop) than the transsexuals (stop n go to the former la strada) and male hookers (the neighborhood streets surrounding clubs like sobe, ps, mining, all the way to the former nsomnia), but there is a general overlap of strolls one becomes familiar with if you spend lots of time working and partying in the various clubs of the montrose hood. which i did.
the female and trannie hookers i had no interest in. but the male hustlers.... some of them were quite undeniably hot. young nubile pieces of ass, muscular, well-endowed young bucks whipping it out and shaking it like a dinner bell for any car that slows down. this intrigued me.
so one evening, right before my bouncer gig, i rolled the two brilliant fake 20's in my pocket and set off on foot for hustler territory. i had no idea what i was about to do really, but i knew i was gonna try something. i mean, what else did i have to do? be bored? i refuse! >:|
so im steady dodging all the cars that pull in front of and alongside of me trying to get me to get in the car baby get in: "NOOOO leave me alone! i'm out looking for crackwhores SAME AS YOU ARE, THANK YOOOOU! >:p "
and then i get to the hustler area finally and they stop cruising me and im like woo thank god! :D
the streets are dark and quiet, and every now and again you see one or two young guys just standing on a corner looking bored and then all the sudden actin extra sexy/bored whenever a car drives by. im following them around in circles, like tippy-tippy-pause.... tippy-tippy-pause.... trying to make out which ones are cuter and less dangerous without getting too close. wouldnt that be hilarious to go cruising for crackheads and end up raped and murdered. like, who knew!?
oh also some of them are on bikes. so its extra difficult to keep up. but anyway, i narrow one down and begin my casual walk past him and wonder to myself what the hell it is i'm about to say:
"Oh. My. God. Are you, like a sex-worker???"
He looked up from his bike, like, huhh? kinda glassy eyed. on something.
"I've heard that this is where the hustlers like you know... hustle... is that what you're doing?"
"Who wants to know?"
"I want to know, duh!"
"Are you a cop?"
"AS IF!" for some reason, i figured Cher Horowitz would know how to pick up a hooker better than i would.
"What are you doing out here then?"
"I was just visiting a friend and now I'm headed to Sobe! do you sobe??"
"No that place is overrated!"
"Oh tell me about it. But what else is there to do?"
"Well there's talking to me..."
"Are you flirting with me?" I said, feigning shock and innocence.
"Maybe." And he winked and lit a cigarette and got all redneck gentlemanly on me. "You know you shouldn't be out here all by yourself. It's a purty dangerous neighborhood."
"You a lesbian?"
"Yeah. You gay?"
"You got a girlfriend?" He was sucking on his cigarette and staring me down like he saw something good.
"Aren't you, like... working?"
"I never said that..."
"Cuz that would be so cool if you were...." here's where i got slick. "I always wondered how people got into that sort of thing." big innocent eyes. "Like, do you have to have... special equipment.. *wink wink*.. you know what I mean...??" I actually did nudge him and do the *wink wink* looking down at his crotch.
"Oh just about 9 inches..." He grabbed his crotch through his jeans, and shifted himself, all proud.
"Shut UP! They really get that big?" how i said that with a straight face i will never know.
"Well I do. And then some."
"Prove it! Cuz this I gotta see."
"Well I would if I had time.. but.. ya know I'm kinda ...workin'... right now." *wink wink*.
now did i fall into his trap or did he fall into mine? cuz this was just too easy.
"What if I paid for your time?"
"Well that's a different story."
"I'm real broke. All I have is like, 20 bucks..."
"Just to show you my dick? That'll work..."
"Oh goody!" and i jumped up, clapped and *squeeeeed* very happy for closing the deal.
"You heard of Club Paradise? Are you familiar with this area?" he asked me seriously, like he was concerned for my safety. AAAAAHAHAHAHAAA! i only live there is all. the bartender there looks like Jesus H. Christ himself, and i would go there to hit on him and stare into his eyes. he had a nice soothing voice too. in fact everybody went there for Jesus, i bet. Jesus is fucking hot.
"Umm. I t-think so. Yeah. I can find it." Mmmmffftt!
"Well meet me there in ten minutes." He jumped on his bike and pumped away in the opposite direction.
I thought he was blowing me off to be honest and I was kinda sad. but also getting anxious cuz i had to be at work in 20 minutes and had wasted alot of time following hookers around the block like im J Lo. once more commonsense began to intrude into my thinking. but i put a stop to that! and walked dutifully to Club Paradise to wait at the bar. at the very least i would get to see Jesus again.
well somehow hustlerboy had beat me there cuz he was waiting on ME at the bar. i just walked right in the door and we headed to the restroom we didn't even try to front or say hello to Jesus, nothin! just straight to the bathroom and locked the door.
He starts taking off his shirt. and he's all "What do you want? You want to suck it?" and im like "ummm NO!! I just want to see if it's 9 inches like you said."
He continues to get naked. He does have a very nice body. Six pack. nice pecs. he's a tall blonde guy, like 6 feet, baby blue eyes. about 27 id guess. "You sure."
"Yes I'm very sure." by now i'm sounding really professional. the dumb little girl act is over. "Pull it out for me and jack it. i'm going to sit here and watch." i put the lid down on the toilet, sat down and crossed my legs.
He pulled it out alright, and it was long.. but kinda skinny, and not fully erect. i was already disappointed but also kinda smug at having gotten this far. i pulled out my fake 20 and his eyes lit up and guess what, he got fully erect.
suddenly it became a raging huge hard on and he was pumping it like crazy. and im like damn its just 20 bucks, calm down. and he starts moaning and bucking his hips at me and putting on a good show, then moving closer and closer to me while i sit on the toilet and dangle the 20 in front of him like a carrot.
"UUuUuUUnnghh! touch it for me. Stroke it! Pleeease!" he moans.
I rolled my eyes and said Ok, and stroked it for him, like I've done for so many others. What do people not understand about I Just Want To Watch. But anyway, yeah i jacked it a little.
Suddenly BAM BAM BAM on the door!! It was Jesus!
"WE CAN'T HAVE TWO IN THE BATHROOM AT THE SAME TIME PEOPLE! PLEASE!"
Crackboy immediately whipped it back in his pants and zipped, I handed him the fake 20 and booked out of the bathroom. I didnt even wait for him to put his clothes on, that was HIS problem. I walked straight out of the bar the same way i had walked straight in. no hello. no goodbye. just the back of my head and see ya!
of course, i didnt want him to figure out it was a FAKE 20 and come kick my ass or anything. so i RAN, bitches, RAAAAAN the 8 blocks or whatever it is back to my job, cuz by now i'm late, and out of breath, and giggling like a maniac, for i am no longer just a whore, but a JOHN as well! XD
i was pretty smug that whole night as i recall.
and oh. i never went back to see Jesus again. I mean some things are just too embarrassing.