Shadows in Context (kaizersoze2) wrote in reel_lj,
Shadows in Context


I stood there on top of the balcony perched over the rail. in the middle of the most romantic city in the world. Paris. romanticizing .. definitely romanticizing the desire i had. the passion i had for life. Thinking how delicious it would be to get a kiss. Feel the warmth of my lips against the cold yet inviting surface that was reaching out for me. romanticizing...imagining the warm kiss ... romanticizing.
A tear slowly perched itself on my eyelid and slowly began to make it's descent over my puffy cheeks, gaining momentum, like the lump in my throat that traveled from as far deep as the length i came to get there. and i watched it enact my fall for me. it was silent.... silent like a cold winter's night. i watched it flutter and hit the gray cobblestone beneath me. and i was jealous. it was able to take the plunge. and the hollowness in my fingertips felt so brittle. they shook. i gripped the rail. I grit my teeth. I looked up over the city. the lights sparkled like a carnival to me through the ocean waiting to spill across my face. But there was nothing beautiful about this carnival. nothing but the eeriness in the silence. Out of the shadows, I could make out the watery sounds of Sting rehearsing at the opera house below. "Don’t stand, don’t stand so...Don’t stand so close to me!" as i stood beside myself. it echoed through my ears and out my fingertips i gripped the rail. I grit my teeth. I leaned back. Stretched my arms taught, bent my knees, ready to fly. ready to let the Paris rain wash the velvet blood away tomorrow ready to take it in. my last breath. ready to take it in. let it fill my lungs in one long breath, only to be forced out and filled with the warm salty velvet kiss. romanticizing the blood that would warm my lips against the cold pavement i knew too well. i thought about my parents. an ocean seperates me from them, but galaxies stretch between them. i thought about my friends and our exploits. about the trips we took, when the phone melted across my face. about the ringing hits of crack we smoked together as a teen. i thought about the marshmallow clouds i sat on and the milky drip of heroin that had brought me warmth. i thought about all the funerals. the suicides. the fucking ... god dammit they all took a bet! i was supposed to be the first to go! i thought about the blood on my money. when pat died and i pounded on his chest... the smell of the greenish -white vile foaming from his mouth. the blue cold look on his face surrounding the black rings around his eyes. kim was too incoherant to realize. i thought about andrew... and his mother when she found him hanging in the yard. i thought about rob parrish... and the look on the prison guards face when he found him hanging from his sheets in the cell. no one was at his funeral. no one spoke his eulogy. i thought about dave. were those my pills? i thought about chris and mike and john and scott and kieth.... and it was time to pick myself up off the ground and fly. I'm still searching for my wings............
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