TODAY'S OUTFIT: Wire-rim glasses, yellow-orange beach bum button-down, brown cargos, brand new brown and black leather sandals.
NUMBER OF DAYS SINCE LAST ENTRY: 29
I just had a very good, open conversation with a good online friend. This pleases me.
As for "IRL" friends, if present data is a reliable indicator, it seems that no friends will be attending my 21st birthday party. The ones that have RSVPed all have to work or some such crap, and there are about 25 who have not cared enough to RSVP yet.
Oh, well. It's just as well. Where would we put all these people? And if they don't even have the courtesy to RSVP (for two years in a row, I might add), it goes to show what kind of friends they really are, eh?
No matter. For my 21st, I would be content to lie on the couch all day watching TV. As I have been doing these past couple of days, since my parents went to NYC. They'll be back here within 15-17 hours. Anyway, I have been free to grieflessly camp out on the family room couch watching whatever's on.
And incidentally, since coming home from college, I have discovered that I have missed quite a bit of Knots Landing. Granted, I didn't finish watching my last two tapes, but there were a few weeks after that for which I have no tapes. Consequently, there are about 2 years unaccounted for.
I have not missed so much that I am completely lost, however. But I sure as heck miss Abby.
A few nights ago, I had a terrible nightmare where I was in a gigantic mall or something, but there were teachers there who were in charge of everything, like it was a school (I'm not sure that these were any teachers I ever had, but they were just "teachers"), and there was this leadership workshop thingie (or some such garbage) being held, and as part of it, they had planted bombs all over the building, and there was a timer, and all the stores (or rooms, or whatever) were filled with friends and acquaintances of mine. Hundreds of them. The only other person in the building who I have not mentioned is my mother. Anyway, before the building blew up/collapsed, all the caged doors came down on the stores, and everyone was trapped inside, with no way out, doomed to die. Only my mother and I were in the corridor, free to escape. I asked the teachers (also in the corridor) why everyone else was trapped, and said that they had to be let out, but they told me that they had to be there, and it was for their own good, and they were safe there, and it was the rules, and blah-blah-blah-I'm-an-authority-figure-y
(As I think of it now, maybe my mother wasn't in the dream at all -- I don't really remember.)
Anyway, the building started to collapse, and I, still inside, watched as the ceiling came down upon hundreds of people I knew. I saw these people crushed alive. I had to escape, and I ran out to save myself at the last minute, as everyone else was already dying, and I sure as Hell didn't want to die too.
Then I ran out of the building (it was a very large building... not tall like a skyscraper, but big -- about as big as St. Paul's Cathedral in London, to estimate -- it was an old-fashioned building too, I remember) and watched as the entire building came down. It was a terrible sight to see, knowing that there were hundreds of people trapped in there, who were purposely kept trapped in there even though they could have been saved.
Then, this kept happening over and over, but with different buildings. The exact same thing. Friends and acquaintances trapped at the teachers' discretion/whim, and I would be the only survivor.
I think the most painful aspect for me was not the fact that I was watching people die (though that would be the 2nd most disturbing), nor that they were all people I knew, but that their deaths all could have been prevented so easily, but due to the teachers, and some stupid bureaucratic rules and some dumb leadership workshop thing, they were purposely and willfully kept trapped to die agonizing deaths. And as oart if this dream, I had the false memory that on 9/11, I personally witnessed the attacks (i.e., I was in NYC to see them myself live), and I remember thinking at one point in this dream that how I felt witnessing 9/11 was not as bad as what I was witnessing in this dream.
After the last building, I watched from a distance as the rest of it collapsed (after I had retreated to safety), and I bawled harder than I ever had in my entire life, crumpling to the ground as I watched the building go up in smoke.
It shouldn't have happened. They should have been let go. Why weren't they allowed to escape? They were kept in there by the teachers and workshop leaders on purpose to die.
Anyway, after a while of this crying and false consolation from onlookers and the teachers and workshop leaders, I woke up.
Ironically, I was unaware at the time of this dream of the ceremonies to be taking place at Ground Zero but a couple of days later.
Ironically again, technically last night I was playing chess with my brother and the TV was on and he was watching Jaws 3, and there is a scene in the movie where a bunch of tourists are in this underwater tunnel and the shark starts butting into the glass trying to get in to eat the people and water starts pouring in, and the tourists are running away, and the people in the control center close the emergency doors so that the tourists are trapped in this one very tiny spot in the tunnel as water continues to pour in.
I kept thinking back to the dream watching this. It upset me quite a bit, and I was in the middle of a game of chess, so I didn't pay attention to the movie after that. I wasn't paying much attention to it anyway, but this one segment I had stopped to watch.
Crap. I gotta start writing the bad parts of this first and the good parts of this last. That way I feel better instead of worse.